day 65

How much crying is one person supposed to be able to tolerate in a day? I surpassed my limit several hours ago.
When we (my brother and I) were little we had very few toys. I realize now that this meant very few things that my mom had to:
look for
buy companion toys/accessories for
repair
break up fights over.
It turns out my mom was a crafty genius.

day 66

Remember Susan Powter? She has a blog and I am so addicted to it. She seems totally insane and yet what she says makes absolute sense. I mean "stop eating crap and move your bod daily" is not revolutionary. but it is because it's the last thing anyone wants to do. We all wish for the magic bullet, the psychotic unliveable thing that will make the weight go away so we can get back to doing whatever we want. Sigh. 

I am not sure how I will proceed, but I know that I do not want garbage, fog-inducing things in my body anymore. 

P.S. I really need to find a new job. One that doesn't involve muffins would be good. 

day 67?

I took a five hour nap today. Does that even count as a nap, or is that an event requiring some sort of medical intervention? I don't think I ate one thing today that counts as lean for life unless they have added blueberry pancakes to the program. What the hell? What am I doing? Why the infantile rebellion? Some have said that it is not the person but the addiction that keeps the behavior alive. Maybe. Maybe the notion of being different is scary and it seems safer to stay here. Maybe I don't know what to do instead of doing the destructive behavior. But I don't feel good. I am bored with this whole scenario. I felt better, clearer on Thursday than I have any day since and I think that is the thing to hold on to. Not indulgence or denial or loss or gain, but, hey, I am actually able to use my brain when it is not being fed garbage. And no matter how gorgeous or yummy a thing may be, if it doesn't make me feel good and function well, it is, for me, garbage. 

day 68

Did I mention that I am not weighing or measuring myself during this little experiment o' mine? Well, I'm not. I figure my clothes give me all the info I need and a number on a scale or measuring tape is just one more thing to worry about. 

I must report that I didn't have a lean for life dinner lat night. I didn't have a crazy dinner, but it wasn't a protein day dinner. I feel okay with that. Moving on. Not freaking out or giving up. 

I spent considerable time rearranging and organizing and generally mucking out Ella's room this morning. It looked nice for about 15 minutes. 

I am reading Pillars of the Earth. I am so glad I live in a world with plumbing and running water. 

day 69

Lost starts next week! Soooo excited.

I am super hungry and would really like to go on a rampage in the kitchen. I am going to make tea instead.

Rough day with the kids-lots of crying (them, not me). Ella was a misery in gymnastics and didn't get a sticker. Oy vey, you'd think she was missing a body part. The sad thing was that she thought she didn't get it because she couldn't do the tricks they were learning. I had to explain that, no, you didn't get it because you were a danger to yourself and others. Sheesh. 

They are in my bed pretending to be asleep. I don't think it will be pretend for long. 

And I've come to realize that a lot of my desire to eat (and eat crappy food in particular) comes from being just so bored so much of the time. Sure there are a million things to do, but cleaning the bathroom or folding endless piles of laundry just doesn't thrill me. I'm just sayin.

70 days

So, today is day 1 of my 10 weeks of lean for life. I've decided to do it as a countdown, so this is actually day 70 for me. When I find myself gazing longingly at Ella's half-eaten plate of pancakes, I tell myself,"70 days." And tomorrow at work when I am confronted with a too-smushed-to-sell- but-perfectly-good-to-eat blueberry muffin, I can say, "69 days" and give myself the impression that it is getting easier. Hopefully that will eventually be the case without my little counting shenanigans. Peace be with us. 

Enough

Okay. My weight is out of control. I now weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I am committing to one cycle of lean for life-10 weeks. It is the only thing in recent history that I have had any success with and I need to make a change. My body hurts and my mind hurts from constantly fretting. 10 weeks. 

I blame Bean

Just this morning I was reading Bean's (from KROQ) blog and he was commenting on the large number of famous people who have died since the new year. And now Heath Ledger is dead. I don't know why that makes me so sad. I guess because he was only 28 and he has a little daughter. And also because it may have just been a stupid accident, and we have all had those moments when we were stupid and had a close call. Poor Heath. 

Hug your family. 

around the world with Ella

Ella has always called her vagina either her "body" or her "area." She has resisted any contrary information with wails of protest. Last night she was in the bath and asked what other names for her area could be. I said (for the 100th time), "Well, it's actually called your vagina."                 "Vagina?"

"Vagina."

She mulled this over for a moment before solemnly asking, "What do I call it if I'm not in China?"

the in-laws cometh

Why? Why because people decide to divorce and re-marry are we all now obliged to have several editions of every holiday with ever-changing groups of people we neither know nor like? I have tried saying no, we're just gonna stay home and do something quiet. The fallout from that is unbearable. So now holidays are the opposite of what they are supposed to be. They are the dark days. I guess it gives a greater appreciation for the regular, non-holidays. But it's the middle of January and we still have 2 Christmases to go. Ugh. 

And how f-ed is it to say,"Oh, please don't get us anything! Honestly, there isn't a single thing we want or need! We aren't even getting presents for each other!" and then show up with two BOXES of gifts? Seriously.

Happy Birthday, Gaea

Sometimes I feel like you are actually my sister. I think that when we met a long, LONG time ago, it was so we would have each other now. So we would save a place for each other and recognize each other when we needed to connect. Sort of like we knew each other in a past life, but in our case it was just high school. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are my sister.