Tuesday, May 20, 2008

the etsy model

I am obsessed with the artist profiles on etsy. The obsession started when I realized how many of them said they spend their days doing exactly what they want to do. This is a foreign concept to me since my life feels like a series of guilt-fueled have-tos. But it got me thinking about what I would like to do, just asking myself the question. For a long time the answer was "sleep" or "I don't know." I tried to be fine with that, with whatever came back. But I am slowly beginning to get new answers. Things like "plant some seeds" or "make felt." I had no idea. 

Monday, May 19, 2008


I have yet to find a way to say "Don't sit on the cat" that Ella understands. Even with emphatic yowling back-up from said cat. I give up. The cat is on his own. 

Sunday, May 18, 2008

sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

So, two weeks later, I still have a sore throat, earaches and fatigue that just won't quit. I'm hearing whispers of "mono," but I am ignoring them. And I just hate the idea of writing anything. I am sick of the sound of my own voice in my head. 
I feel like I need to make a change. I have been so wrapped up in the idea of finishing school and getting a degree so I can teach, but I am wondering if I even really want that or am I using this outdated goal as a way to procrastinate? There really doesn't need to be a question mark after that sentence, because that's exactly what I'm doing. So, how to change? What do I really want to do? I just don't know anymore. 
I feel like I have something to contribute, but I don't know how to find it. My creative well is pretty low. I guess coming off a long illness isn't maybe the ideal time to decide my life's purpose. But I think I am ready to let go of the "good girl" goal of college and teaching for now and see what else I might like to do. 
I realized that when I think of things I could maybe do, I instantly blow off writing. In my mind, it's like me saying I want to be a rock star. Why?