Sunday, January 27, 2008

day 67?

I took a five hour nap today. Does that even count as a nap, or is that an event requiring some sort of medical intervention? I don't think I ate one thing today that counts as lean for life unless they have added blueberry pancakes to the program. What the hell? What am I doing? Why the infantile rebellion? Some have said that it is not the person but the addiction that keeps the behavior alive. Maybe. Maybe the notion of being different is scary and it seems safer to stay here. Maybe I don't know what to do instead of doing the destructive behavior. But I don't feel good. I am bored with this whole scenario. I felt better, clearer on Thursday than I have any day since and I think that is the thing to hold on to. Not indulgence or denial or loss or gain, but, hey, I am actually able to use my brain when it is not being fed garbage. And no matter how gorgeous or yummy a thing may be, if it doesn't make me feel good and function well, it is, for me, garbage. 


Blogger Gaea said...

Can I just say that it is incredibly hard to hold onto that great healthy feeling no matter how crap you feel at an unhealthy weight. I keep asking myself "is today the day you have hit rock bottom? How many pounds do I need to gain to turn it around?" The thought of being attractive in this world is a scary thing. The idea that some one besides my husband might be attracted to me is horrifying. Should I be in therapy? I think so! I love you.

January 27, 2008 at 6:39 PM  

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