The Permanent Record

Sprung

2010-04-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

As much as I love, and I do mean LOVE, cold and rainy weather, there comes a time when something in me shifts and I'm just ready to feel some sun on my skin. I know I'm getting ready when the smell of freshly mowed grass is exciting rather than somehow annoying. Ta-da! Spring!

I am feeling very grateful today. I know Easter is not the holiday where I am supposed to list what I am thankful for, but I am just not in the mood in November. So, here goes:

I am thankful for a husband who loves me, even when I am trying my hardest to be un-loveable.

I am thankful for children with different (and often difficult) temperaments. I have learned so many things and been reminded that I really don't think there is one right way to be in this world.

I am thankful for the ocean because it doesn't care a thing about all the problems that overwhelm me.

I am thankful for a cat who wants to sit on my lap.

I am thankful for books and words and all the endless stories that can come from the arrangement of 26 letters.

I am thankful for you, a friend who was surely a sister in another life.

I didn't commit forgery until 9th grade

2010-03-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

My dear son has me beat. Apparently, he cheated on a math test last Friday by using a calculator. His teacher sent a note home for me to sign. Which he did.

I feel oddly calm. Maybe because I am so fed up with the school system anyway. Maybe that's what happens when you tell a room full of third-graders that if they get an F in math, they will have to repeat the grade. Maybe I am so sick of trying to cram my kids into someone else's idea of what they should be.

Do I want my kid to be a big ole liar? Of course not. But I no longer think I can punish, lecture, guilt or otherwise force him to be honest. I think if he felt good, his behavior would be good. Obviously, something is wrong, but he is the only person who really knows what it is.

He kept asking what his punishment was going to be. I finally said, "I've punished you for lying before and it hasn't stopped. So now I'm interested in hearing how you are going to change this behavior." He just kinda stared at me like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then we made a list of what he could do instead of lying or cheating.

I sent him outside to sweep the leaves. Not as a punishment, but so he could feel capable and useful. Eventually, we all ended up out there, sweeping, weeding and scooping the piles of leaves. Finn said, "Yay, family work!"

I hope so.

Science is fun!

2010-02-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Life after weight-loss surgery is mostly one thing: awesome. But the second runner-up is: confusing. The big deal is vitamins because the surgery removes part of the intestine where micro-nutrients are absorbed. The goal is to take 200% percent of what our bodies need to make up for the malabsorption. Ok, that sounds simple. I'll take two vitamins instead of one, right? Not so fast.

See, certain vitamins block others from being absorbed. Like calcium blocks iron. Other vitamins need help to be absorbed, like iron needs vitamin C. And iron blocks E. And A, D, E and K are fat-soluable so they need to be taken with fat to be absorbed. Calcium works best when taken with magnesium at a 2 to 1 ratio, but you don't want to start with that level of magnesium or you will be spending a lot of time in the bathroom. See? See how not "Oh, I'll just take two Centrum" this is?

But here's the thing-I LOVE IT! I love adding all the grams and micrograms from all the different sources and figuring out the perfect schedule so everyone gets absorbed happily! Let me just say that if I followed the nutritionists advice, that would be the nutritionist who works in the surgeon's office, I'd be screwed because that lady has NO IDEA what she's talking about. Her advice was 3 calcium and 2 Flintstone's chewables a day. But it turns out that the levels in Flintsones aren't adequate and are from sources that are hard to absorb post-op! Thrilling! On with the hunt, you know? So I read research and efficacy data and long-term studies like a med student. (A real one, not the kind always having sex in closets like on TV.) I get an actual adrenaline rush from this.

What's the point of my geeky confession? I don't really know. Maybe I'm just saying it out loud so the part of me that's figuring out what I should do with my life will hear it. I am happiest when I am a student. Research is a sport to me. Is it the subject matter or solving the puzzle or catching my prey? All of it. When I am working and studying, I feel I'm on the right path.

Do you have that? Do you have things that make you feel in the groove, fufilling your destiny kind of feelings?

Present

2010-02-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have been working on such new-agey crap as being in the moment. Observing my reactions without judgement. Gag, I know. But I think it actually helps.

For example, when my daughter got off the phone with her BFFFEF (she lost me after the second F. Suffice it to say she likes this kid.) and said BFFFEF tells my daughter that her BF services will no longer be needed because she just had the BEST PLAY-DATE EVER with her NEW BF, well I calmly observed that I had a strong desire to slug a 45 pound 6-year-old. I am a Zen master.

But, really, rather than getting all bunched up and trying to arrange even BETTER play-dates to win back the friend and generally flailing around helplessly, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this will happen approximately 750 million times in my kid's life. Especially with the girls. I don't know why. I can't fix it. I can't prevent it.

I hugged my girl and tried to help her give her feelings words. We talked about what makes someone a friend and what it takes to be a good friend. About kindness and forgiveness and people who feel good to be around. I tried my best to be stoic, but my heart hurt for her with her big blueberry eyes all red from crying.

Today I picked her up from school and she had a hand written invitation to a Puppy Party at the friend's house. I asked her if she wanted to go. She said "Of course! I want to bring chicken tenders." Living in the moment...

Goo

2010-02-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Today I sorta lost it at work and told my boss that I can't stand my job and pleaseohplease is there any possible other thing I could do around here? I could be your personal assistant/gofer/order placer? No? Oh...ok. I'll just be slinking off over here, heh heh.

My Capricorn go-getter-ness in full effect. Today, the coffee shop; tomorrow, the world.

I somehow feel better for having said it. It was a tiny, spazzy step, but a step none the less.

Totally unrelated: my daughter's face has changed overnight. Who is this big girl?!

Rearrangement

2010-02-01T15:43:00.000-08:00

So, beyond my usual post-holiday, post-birthday feeling of melancholy, I am seriously freaking out. I feel like a cat stuffed in a box. Against its will. I go to bed on Sunday night with a knot in my stomach because I DO NOT want to go to work in the morning. I try to be grateful that I have a job that a) provides rudimentary health insurance and b) is flexible enough that it can work with my kids' school schedules and sicknesses, etc. But OH MY GOD it is like being pecked to death by chickens. My soul is shriveling at the thought of it and a shrivelly soul is just not cute. Ask anyone.

I have just been overwhelmed with this feeling that there is something I am meant to be doing and apparently slingin' joe isn't it. Which, yay, but I don't know what it IS. Maybe I can't know till I quit the job I have. I think part of me is waiting for permission to quit. Part of me wants my husband to say it's ok. Maybe that is the thing I need to do.

Oh. Something just occurred to me. I need to feel used and exhausted and empty because that's how Shawn feels. I feel guilty because he has the bulk of the bills on his shoulders, so if I am miserable and burned out, too, I feel less guilty? I would feel bad to be happy while he's not?That is CRAZY. How is both of us being a mess any good? Wow. I didn't know I felt that way.

I have been reading Martha Beck, Steering by Starlight. In it she talks about how when a caterpillar goes into its chrysalis, it doesn't just sprout wings out of it's body and emerge a butterfly. It almost completely dissolves into goo and that goo reassembles into a new creature. That's how I feel. Changing. It's not gonna be easy or pretty, but I feel in my hopeful heart that it will be worth it.

Camping!

2009-06-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

In our back yard!

I had the possibly not-so-brilliant idea to set up the tent in the yard. I thought it might be fun for the kids to hang out in, something to encourage them to be outside more. Well, my dear husband is now dismantling the brick wall around our front yard and building a fire pit out back. In the middle of the yard. The grass...? Honey?

Well, I don't want to discourage his enthusiasm, especially since last week I was moaning and groaning about how we need to come up with memorable experiences to share with the kids.

"Hey kids, remember when dad set the yard on fire?"

More like 73% cocoa extra-dark

2009-06-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

Kindergarten was fun,

We made many new friends.

We worked, played and sang there,

Hope we all meet again.

If I possessed the technical ability to embed a video, you could hear the above words sung with gut-wrenching sweetness by 17 about-to-be-former kindergarteners. And then you would be on the floor in a puddle of your own tears. So, you're welcome for my lameness.

Today was the last day of school. I am usually fine with it, but I am so insanely in love with my kids right now, that any indication of time moving on (with the resulting growing older of said kids) is just totally unacceptable. I don't know exactly when it happened, but I cannot get enough of them. Yesterday I told Ella I love her so many times that by the end of the day, if I called her name, she would just say, "I love you too, Mom." Also, if I could walk around with my nose permanently burrowed into Finn's hair, that would be great.

All of which would be fine if I could just stay in the moment and enjoy it, but the more I adore them (of course, I have ALWAYS loved them, obviously, but we have reached a new level, you see), the more I want to shove my face into Ella's mouth and smell her kitten breath, the more I think about the fact that they will one day hate me and avoid me and LEAVE. This must be the French part of me. The part that sees the end in everything. What is wrong with me?

On a totally unrelated note: Hi Gaea! I miss you!

This is how it starts

2009-05-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

So my boy had STAR testing last week, which is standardized testing that determines the amount of funding a school receives. Finn was very nervous and weepy the night before. I tried explaining that it's a test for the school and he didn't have to worry, but he was determined to wallow for a bit, so I hugged him and left him to it.

I decided to write him a little note to find in the morning before he went to school. I wrote, "Dear Finn, Just relax and read directions. You'll do great! Love, Mom and Dad." I should have known better.

Finn was so happy with his note that he took it to school. And showed his teacher. And said sure, she could read it to the whole second grade class. Why? Why would his teacher read it to the class? That is blood in the water to a bunch of kids who want to prove they aren't babies any more. They laughed.

Finn cried on the way home. He has a tender heart. As much as I don't want him knocked over by every emotion, I hope he isn't teased into indifference. It is hard for boys. How do I help him be tough and brave and resilient without hardening his heart?

Distant thunder

2009-05-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

That's my honey, handcrafting a motorcycle gas tank. He has always wanted to do this, so he just started trying on his own. Slowly the word got out that he could make custom tanks and all of a sudden, he is bombarded with orders. He has guys bringing bikes in from two different states this weekend.

I have never known anyone who manifests his dreams more than Shawn. I sometimes tease him for his one-track mind, but the guy doesn't stop until he gets what he wants. He should write a blue-collar version of The Secret. His would say, "Never stop thinking about what you want. Also, never sleep and stay up all night working on it and talk about it incessantly to everyone within earshot and there you go. Wish granted." Good job, honey.

Breathing

2009-05-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

Things have been tense around my home-planet lately. The news, the bills, the everything. Last night I was particularly keyed-up. It was stuffy in our bedroom, so I opened the window behind the bed and passed out watching Dancing With the Stars.

I woke up around two in the morning to the sounds of night birds and crickets. Somehow, the idea that those birds and bugs would be doing that very same thing no matter what happened to me was oddly comforting. It made the struggles of my life seem small and ordinary. Nothing so big or bad that it would stop a bird from singing in the night. My heart expanded and I slept.

Seriously.

2009-05-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Here's what's weird-the last time I posted, I was furious at my credit card company, and hey-ho-whadda-know, I'm furious again! Please explain to me why they continually make it harder for me to pay the balance down? I realize lots of people have filed for bankruptcy or are just not making their payments which forces the credit card companies to be more careful, but why take it out on those of us who have NEVER missed a payment? It really makes me want to do just that. It makes me want to take up a life of crime and never look back because there clearly is no point to playing by the rules.

I curse you, Capital One! A pox on your house!

What does his heaven look like?

2009-02-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

Damn it. I was all riled up to do battle with my credit card company and I go to the computer and see that Lux Interior died. He was 60. That bummed me to no end. If you never saw the Cramps live, I have no words to accurately describe the simultaneous jumble of emotions that Lux inspired as frontman. It was a combination of fascination, revulsion, sexiness, and fear with a lot of hell-yeah thrown in. Lux always seemed on the brink of losing control, of seriously injuring himself, but music was always spot-on and the lyrics too witty to come from some mindless freak. Maybe it was the awareness, the intent, that made a Cramps show so...thrilling.

Thank you, Lux. I'd say rest in peace, but that just doesn't seem like your style. Tear that damn place up.

Lice are gross

2009-01-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't wish lice on anyone. Well, maybe Hitler or the devil. But the devil would probably like 'em. Anyway, there is nothing quite like playing host to a colony of critters. I don't recommend it.

Ella brought them home from school and shared them with me. We then spent a week with various concoctions on our heads for long periods of time, followed by tedious combing and much howling from Ella. Then washing and drying every fabric thing, quarantine-ing all the stuffed animals, lint-rolling everything that couldn't be washed, vacuumed or stuffed in a bag. And we still had them. Ugh. I had to call in a professional. Who knew such a job existed? Professional nit-picker. Amazing.

Well, Rona used her heirloom nit-comb and her experienced eye to de-louse us but good. The bugs may be gone, but the trauma lingers. I think I will feel itchy forever. YUCK!

Party Time

2009-01-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

Today is dear friend Gaea's birthday. Yaaaayy and jumping up and down and bringing in the cake with yummy icing! Gaea is awesome and talented and so very sweet and pretty and also the actual goddess of the Earth, which is really very impressive. Hooray for Gaea!

Day after tomorrow is my birthday. My...(dramatic pause)...40th birthday. (Gasp!!!)

Why does it skeeve me out so? It doesn't bother me in general, but that number.... it's just not me. Gaea said Capricorn's are supposed to age in reverse and become more childlike as they get older. Maybe that's what is happening. I am certainly sillier than I used to be. Hmmm, well, ok then, bring it on. I'll be looking forward to the whole mental Benjamin Button thing. Whee!

JCPenney Catalog

2008-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

I was trying to explain to my kids the mythical tome of wonder that was the JCPenney catalog when I was a kid. We lived in rural New Jersey. The nearest store with toys was 17 miles away, so to see all those toys, toys there weren't even commercials for, in one place was nothing short of amazing. I tried to explain that even now I can smell those thin, crinkly pages. It is the smell of magic. Of possibility. I can remember going through the pages again and again, painstakingly trying to assign an order to my lust for each and every Breyer model horse. But it wasn't even about the individual toys so much as it was about the idea that the world held mysteries and delights beyond anything I could imagine and, once a year, if I circled carefully, they could be mine.

Thankful

2008-11-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

November is my favorite month, cozy and golden, tucked between the fun of Halloween and the craziness of Christmas. People come into the coffee shop suddenly craving pumpkin muffins (even though we've had them all year) and pumpkin spice lattes despite the still-warm weather. We long for sweaters and swoon at the sight of hand-knit mittens. It is a month that pulls at our collective desire for comfort and closeness. We snuggle in, settle down, thankful for this time of hand turkeys and falling leaves, cool nights and the warmth of home.

Hope

2008-11-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize that I had been holding my breath for eight years. This man fills me with hope. I am proud of us as a country for not bowing to fear and negativity, for choosing a new path. The day after, so many people smiling at each other, some crying and hugging. It feels not just as if we voted for a candidate, but that we chose our leader. I know he is human and he has a nearly impossible task in front of him, but he has already changed our country for the better. Thank you, Mr. Obama, for restoring my faith.

My depression-let me show you it

2008-08-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

As much as I try to make light of it, sometimes depression likes to jump up and show me who's boss. I have been on and off medication for depression since I was 18. I hate taking it. I realize that, for me, depression is a chemical imbalance in my brain and taking medication to correct it is no different than taking insulin if I was diabetic, but I still hate it. Because it is my brain, and who am I if not my brain? If I alter my brain, am I truly myself? Granted, being myself won't do me much good if I'm in a fetal position somewhere, but still.

Every so often, I try to wean myself off. I am surprised by the quickness of my thoughts at those times. I am also surprised by the amount of anger I feel. Within a few days, I am crying on the couch, feeling like crap because I actually do need those damn pills.

Still, I can't help wondering what happens to all that anger if I just never allow myself to feel it? What else is down there, tucked away under all that medical cotton batting?

Awesome Blog Alert

2008-08-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

The universe smiled upon my weepy, PMS-ing self today and led me to the Cake Wrecks blog. All the cakes on this blog were from professional bakeries. 'Nuff said. Go now.

Bittersweet

2008-08-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

I took the kids to see Journey to the Center of the Earth-3D! today. The kids never fail to surprise me. I expected Ella to be kinda freaked out, but no. She was asking LOUDLY, "When do the dinosaurs come out?!" and flailing her arms around trying to catch everything that "popped" at her. Finn was scared a lot and actually cried at one point (out of sadness, not fear). I just never know.

I can really feel them growing up now. They still need me, of course, but it's much less. There are times they prefer the company of their friends or just to be alone. I try to feel good about that, try to remember that it is our strong bond that helps them to feel safe going out into the world. Even as I am thrilled by their new accomplishments and interests and abilities, there are days when I miss my babies.

Earthquake!

2008-07-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yeesh, that's just something I never get used to. I'm sitting at my desk, typing away and, hey, what the...Kids! Kids! Let's go! And by then it's over. So nerve wracking. I can really freak myself out if I spend too much time pondering the tectonic possibilities. Happy thoughts, self, happy thoughts.

Geek Girl Movie Reviews

2008-07-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today was a totally unexpected movie binge: two grown-up movies in the theater on the SAME DAY!

First up-the X-Files. As happy as I was to see the gang (even Skinner, sexiest bald, glasses-wearing FBI agent ever!) I was a little let down. Frankly, there were much better stories told in just an hour during the series.

Then, The Dark Knight! As soon as it was done, I wanted to see it again! So great, so much more than a comic-book movie. Heath Ledger is brilliant, which is heartbreaking. I will definitely be be buying this as soon as it's on DVD.

Now I just need to see Ironman and Hellboy II. Oh, and The Clone Wars.

Shawn says next year I can go to ComiCon!

X-Files Movie!

2008-07-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

Who's with me?

I can't wait. Mulder and Scully are like old friends to me.

This summer of sci-fi/comic book movies is making it clear to me that I have almost achieved full geek status. I couldn't be more excited. My weak computer kung-fu is all that's holding me back, and I'm pretty sure that's part of some plot to keep me from uncovering the truth about our government's knowledge of UFO's.

Dog guilt

2008-07-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

I was trying to find a way to clip my poor old dog's hideously long nails tonight. The clipper Shawn bought dented on the first try and cracked Paisley's nail. Great. I tried regular nail clippers and couldn't even fit her nail into them. Then I tried just crazy filing and she looked at me with her sad eyes and I gave up. So, as I sat there, petting her tummy and feeling like the worst pet owner, I found a biggish lump, a little bigger than an egg. My heart just sunk. Who knows what that could be? Nothing good, I'm sure. Poor grandma dog. It could be totally hurting and she wouldn't even complain.

Halp!

2008-07-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, my house is under siege. There is an army of snails taking over my side yard and climbing up the side of my house! How gross is that?! What do I do? The kids and animals are always over there, so I don't want to put anything poisonous out. I would really prefer to re-direct them to a more hospitable home rather than have snail carnage, but I see no other way. Iiiickkkk! I am so creeped out. How do I get rid of 'em?

Oh, Lorelei...

2008-07-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

Look what I found!

Isn't he handsome? Aww, sweet lil raptor.

Exactly

2008-07-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today we were running errands Finn said, "Mom, you know how when you sit on your foot for a long time it gets all static-y?" Static-y. I loved that.

The first one's free

2008-07-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

So, I had to go to Costco (ick, panic attack waiting to happen) today, and, oh, what happens to be right across the street? Michael's. The next part is a little hazy, all I know is I ended up at the check-out counter with a basket full of wire and cord. Wha? Where am I? So now I'm packing up my handy-dandy tool kit that my dealer, oh, I mean my dearest friend Gaea so generously bestowed upon me, so I can bead while the kids are at gymnastics. This is how it starts, people. A couple links here, some shiny beads there, next thing you know there's a pull-out table under your bed and your beading at 3 am with your kid's book light. It's not pretty. Oh, wait! Actually it is pretty! ;)

one more time

2008-07-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

Jewelry Exchange

2008-07-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Gaea's awsomeness, I was actually able to make some little brass links with pretty faceted garnets on them. I just loved the way the color of the stones complimented the other beads (not that you can really tell with my gimpy camera). I had so much fun working on the necklace. I can't wait to see what everyone else does with it. Mary, you're up next!

Before (from Lorelei's blog)

Babies!

2008-07-05T21:34:00.000-07:00

We went to the L.A. Zoo yesterday. I realize the animals are all enclosed in one way or another, but I get so excited! They are RIGHT THERE! And never have I seen so many baby animals! Three tiger cubs, twin giraffes, a little spotty tapir, the sweetest girly gorilla (eating her lunch in the most lady-like fashion), and the smallest goats I have ever seen! Teeny little horn-points! I swear I coulda fit one in my purse. *shifty eyes*

My kids think I'm nuts.

Miss Independance

2008-07-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th, everyone. It has been hard for me to feel especially patriotic in recent years, until I realize that what I do love about this country is the fact that I can say such a thing without fear. And when I see what it's like to be a woman in other parts of the world, I can't feel anything but humbled and grateful.

On a lighter note, today is Ella's 5th birthday. She teaches me about independence on a daily basis, sometimes to my dismay, usually to my delight.

The last couple of weeks have been a flurry of birthdays around here. Finn turned 7 (!) on the 22nd of June and we had a combo party last week. I sometimes find myself wishing that I could hold the kids at this age for longer than a year. They are such people now, but still full of magic.

I kinda love Jack Black

2008-07-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

There I said it and I'm not ashamed! I have been having sort of a Jack Black Fest for the last couple of weeks-we went to see Kung Fu Panda (excellent), then Finn and I watched School of Rock (yay!) for the weekly movie treat and today I have been watching Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny in snippets (loads of swearing, no good for the kids). Even though it is a ridiculous movie, there is something so appealing about Jack. As broad as he plays, you can tell he's only sort-of kidding. He really, really loves music and he's actually talented and, and, well...he's cute.

The bounce house is coming! The bounce house is coming!

2008-06-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Saturday is Finn and Ella's combined b-day party. I am trying to keep it as simple and low-key as possible (except for the bounce house), but it gets expensive fast. We have gone to Build-A-Bear parties where each kid gets to make a stuffed animal, parties with treasure hunts and customized framed pictures of the b-day kid with each guest, parties with Hannah Montana look-alikes and on and on. What happened to cake, a hot game of pin the tail on the donkey, here's your balloon and goodbye? It seems like we have forgotten how little it takes for kids to have fun. I trying to think of party favors that won't just be another piece of cluttery junk when the kids get home. I would love to give sparklers since it will be close to the 4th of July, but I doubt the parents would appreciate that. Any suggestions? Anyone with me to overthrow the current over-the top party regime? Well, I'm off to obsessively clean my house so I can impress the kiddies!

Owl-riffic!

2008-06-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I find the excellent kissing owls picture. Then we go to Target and I find a super-shiny owl bank. Score! THEN I go to work this mornin' and my friend Jessie is wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with-you guessed it-AN OWL. It's a sign, people, a portent, a good omen. It is a matter of time 'til I get my own hooty-owl living in the backyard!

Owly love

2008-06-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

When I grow up

2008-06-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ok, what am I going to do with my life? I've had 39 years to figure it out and I haven't got a clue. Do I finish school and get a teaching credential? Do I just start taking painting classes even though I know I have no real talent? Do I just sit at the computer and type for an hour a day even though it makes me feel vaguely sick to my stomach? I really don't know. I do know that when I am around books or art or hear people talk about writing or painting, my heart beats faster. Maybe I should become an art history major and write a book about art. Yeah, that's the ticket. So, any thoughts? I'm 100% open to suggestions.

I changed my mind

2008-06-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

I started to write this post in a foul mood, spurred by my endlessly button-pushing mother-in-law. A few sentences in, I just sort of lost all energy for raging against her. There really is no more useless endeavor. She is not going to change and neither am I. Breathe in, breathe out.

Of infinitely more interest to me is that my friend/customer/ex-personal trainer and his wife welcomed their first baby, Lucas (shout out to the Star Wars geeks among us). I have never seen a more woozily in-love daddy than Andrew. He was cooing over his phone, people. This g0-g0-g0, all energy Marine was nearly knocked off his feet by cell phone pix of his nugget. The sweetest thing ev-ar.

Also, a good excuse to kind of go bananas in the baby dept. of Target. How am I supposed to pass up camo tennies and eentsy red sunglasses that say "First 4th of July" on the arms and a little romper with a bulldog on it that says "Tough Guy"? Take it from me, it is not possible. Not that I want to have another baby, mind you, but if someone were to just give me one, well, who am I to argue with fate?

Summertiiiiime....

2008-06-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know when it happened, but I kind of love summer now. I always dreaded hot weather. Maybe because of my questionable fashion choices in high school: deathly pallor and a solid black wardrobe aren't the wisest sartorial moves when it's 90 degrees outside. Now I find I look forward to the sun on my skin, to the way the heat makes my body feel loose and languid.

What I notice most is the smell of everything when it's hot out. The jungle-damp smell of our backyard at the end of an afternoon in the sprinklers, the combined scents of hot asphalt and syrupy jasmine in the parking lot when I leave work, and, best of all, the sweaty, earthy, salty sweetness of sun-warmed kids. *Sigh*

Let the vacation begin!

2008-06-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

My cat, Stewart, has wrapped himself around my monitor and is peeking at me with one eye and ever so gently moving papers around with his back paws. *Sigh* Love the kitty.

Finn was so cute and sad about leaving his teacher. He made her a card last night and refused to put it in his backpack this morning. He wanted to hold it. He is such a boyish boy, all light-sabers and explosions, but he still has such a tender heart. It just kills me. Great, now I'm crying.

Ella and I are off to the library to stock up on TV alternatives: books, CD's, stories on tape and puppets. For FREE! Seriously, what is better than the library?

Happy last day of school, peeps.

al..most...there...

2008-06-10T11:34:00.000-07:00

Two more days till summer vacation! I am definitely more excited than the kids. I'm more excited than when I was a kid. I was in no way prepared for how much work school would be for me as a parent or for how personally I would take the grades. I sat there for 2 1/2 hours with a whiny kid! I want my A, dammit! Oh, excuse me. I mean, I do so want to see the kids do well. (So they can afford the therapy they will need to deal with their mother issues.)

I am killing the TV this summer. I am terrified and excited by this experiment. As someone who is most comfortable with the companionable babble of the set in the back, I am so curious to see what we all do without it. (All but Shawn that is. The day I called to actually cancel the cable service, he had me call back an cancel the cancellation. I'm not telling the kids.)

the etsy model

2008-05-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with the artist profiles on etsy. The obsession started when I realized how many of them said they spend their days doing exactly what they want to do. This is a foreign concept to me since my life feels like a series of guilt-fueled have-tos. But it got me thinking about what I would like to do, just asking myself the question. For a long time the answer was "sleep" or "I don't know." I tried to be fine with that, with whatever came back. But I am slowly beginning to get new answers. Things like "plant some seeds" or "make felt." I had no idea.

seriously

2008-05-19T13:13:00.000-07:00

I have yet to find a way to say "Don't sit on the cat" that Ella understands. Even with emphatic yowling back-up from said cat. I give up. The cat is on his own.

sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

2008-05-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

So, two weeks later, I still have a sore throat, earaches and fatigue that just won't quit. I'm hearing whispers of "mono," but I am ignoring them. And I just hate the idea of writing anything. I am sick of the sound of my own voice in my head.

I feel like I need to make a change. I have been so wrapped up in the idea of finishing school and getting a degree so I can teach, but I am wondering if I even really want that or am I using this outdated goal as a way to procrastinate? There really doesn't need to be a question mark after that sentence, because that's exactly what I'm doing. So, how to change? What do I really want to do? I just don't know anymore.

I feel like I have something to contribute, but I don't know how to find it. My creative well is pretty low. I guess coming off a long illness isn't maybe the ideal time to decide my life's purpose. But I think I am ready to let go of the "good girl" goal of college and teaching for now and see what else I might like to do.

I realized that when I think of things I could maybe do, I instantly blow off writing. In my mind, it's like me saying I want to be a rock star. Why?

by the sea

2008-03-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

There are few things that warm my parental heart more than the sight of my kids squealing in and out of the waves at the beach. Watching those sturdy little bodies tearing around, all sparkly with sand and water, well, it doesn't get much better. Can't we sell our belongings and build a hut on a beach somewhere? "....we'll raise 'em on coconuts and watermelon..."

Blog Slacker

2008-03-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

I am a negligent blog parent. I can only say that I have been in a major life-funk and haven't wanted to deal with a lot of things, much less write about them. (And how come every time I type "write" it comes out "writhe"? Simply poor typing skills or something deeper?) But, after a long afternoon at the kitchen table with Shawn, we have come to the conclusion that my job is costing our family much more than the meager wages it brings are worth. So, May 16th will be my last day and I will get to take the summer off. It is time. But I am kind of freaked out at the thought of not earning ANY money. As much as I need a break, it's hard not to be wracked with guilt. Shawn works so hard for us, and I think as long as I am sleep deprived and miserable at work, I feel like I am working hard, too. I feel guilt at the idea of staying home and being happy. But then I think what it would be like for Shawn to come home to a clean(ish) house and dinner and a happy wife and kids...maybe that would be nicer for him, for all of us.

somethin's happenin' here

2008-02-22T12:36:00.000-08:00

It seems there has been some sort of internal shift. For the good. I realized that I haven't been blogging for fear of waking the apparently sleeping beast within. I feel calm, happy and content. Shhhh! Not so loud! I read this book set in the 1400's and it made me think about how little we need to exist, really. In the book there was a distinction made between porridge with salt and porridge without. Salt in the porridge was a treat. Seriously. I guess what I am trying to convey is the sense of simplicity that has taken over. I am cooking a lot. Soups and stews and peasanty stuff. Making cookies with honey and stone ground wheat and oats. 15th century gourmet. I am really reluctant to examine it much further for fear of over-thinking it, so, good-day and anon.

Phi Kappa Ella

2008-02-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

Living with Ella is like living with a four-foot tall frat boy. A frat boy who is really into puppies, but still. She is loud, makes obnoxious sounds with her body and trashes whatever room she is in. She will often throw her arm around my neck, delirious with laughter and slur,"I love you, Mom!" while licking my face. Plus, she is always happy to show you her naked ass.

She is comfortable in her body and mind in a way I don't think I ever was. She does not censor herself. She doesn't give a damn about being nice to people she doesn't like. She sees no reason why she cannot have whatever it is that she wants at any given moment. These things send the parental parts of me into a panic. I want to squash that selfishness. I want her to be kind. But another part of me looks at her with something like awe. She is not trying to impress anyone. She is 100% Ella. I am almost intimidated by how cool that is. If I am lucky and brave, maybe we can meet somewhere on her side of the middle. I need to become much more like her than she needs to be like me.

Ugh

2008-02-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

"I think that's what it's all about. When you possess the courage-- or blunt, gourd-smacking stupidity-- to be totally candid, you silently amass thousands of allies. It's the "me too" effect. As Steven Morrissey (Esq., Demigod) says, there is no such thing in life as normal. And if you walk around pretending to be normal, hiding your scars and incisions and putrescing wounds, you only further the Conspiracy of Normal, which exists to make us all feel like shit."-Diablo Cody

To which I can only add, "A-effin'-men, sister." Just a couple days ago I was asking Bridget why we suddenly lust after the contents of the Pottery Barn catalog. When did start to want to be normal? I'm not even sure if that's the heart of it-it's more like seeking approval. I mean, I feel a little anxious about the prevalence of Stephen King in my book collection when new folks show up at the homestead. WTF? Why do I want them to think I am anyone other than who I am? I am overwhelmed by this whole notion of fitting in suddenly. Maybe it is because I don't fit in size-wise that I feel compelled to prove my okay-ness in other ways. Maybe it is from growing up with alcoholic parents that I want it to appear as if everything is okay at all times. Ultimately, it is me not being okay with me that makes me feel no one else would be okay with me either. That's gonna stop.

It Happened!

2008-02-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Good day! I had an actual good day yesterday! I had fun with the kids! No crazy battle royale over homework! I ate like a human being and I exercised! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

See, this proves my point that happy is boring. I mean, it's fun while it's happening, but then it leaves me anxiously awaiting the other shoe, if you know what I mean. Hence my life long love affair with clinical depression-an emotion I can count on.

Magic Eye

2008-02-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am startled by how crazy I am about my kids. I worry that I am squandering this time with them, wishing for time to myself. I wish I knew how to find that balance between time to be and restore myself and time to devote myself wholeheartedly to them. I find that because there is so little time for me, I feel as if I am always pushing them away. The end result is I never really get a break and they get a very worn out Mama a lot of the time. But I am starting to think that what is really wearing me out is constantly resisting my life as it is. When I stop trying to get away, I see my life as a different place. It reminds me of Spiderwick or Arthur and the Invisibles. All these wonders just waiting for me to see them .

day 65

2008-01-29T16:12:00.000-08:00

How much crying is one person supposed to be able to tolerate in a day? I surpassed my limit several hours ago.
When we (my brother and I) were little we had very few toys. I realize now that this meant very few things that my mom had to:
look for
buy companion toys/accessories for
repair
break up fights over.
It turns out my mom was a crafty genius.

day 66

2008-01-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

Remember Susan Powter? She has a blog and I am so addicted to it. She seems totally insane and yet what she says makes absolute sense. I mean "stop eating crap and move your bod daily" is not revolutionary. but it is because it's the last thing anyone wants to do. We all wish for the magic bullet, the psychotic unliveable thing that will make the weight go away so we can get back to doing whatever we want. Sigh.

I am not sure how I will proceed, but I know that I do not want garbage, fog-inducing things in my body anymore.

P.S. I really need to find a new job. One that doesn't involve muffins would be good.

day 67?

2008-01-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

I took a five hour nap today. Does that even count as a nap, or is that an event requiring some sort of medical intervention? I don't think I ate one thing today that counts as lean for life unless they have added blueberry pancakes to the program. What the hell? What am I doing? Why the infantile rebellion? Some have said that it is not the person but the addiction that keeps the behavior alive. Maybe. Maybe the notion of being different is scary and it seems safer to stay here. Maybe I don't know what to do instead of doing the destructive behavior. But I don't feel good. I am bored with this whole scenario. I felt better, clearer on Thursday than I have any day since and I think that is the thing to hold on to. Not indulgence or denial or loss or gain, but, hey, I am actually able to use my brain when it is not being fed garbage. And no matter how gorgeous or yummy a thing may be, if it doesn't make me feel good and function well, it is, for me, garbage.

day 68

2008-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that I am not weighing or measuring myself during this little experiment o' mine? Well, I'm not. I figure my clothes give me all the info I need and a number on a scale or measuring tape is just one more thing to worry about.

I must report that I didn't have a lean for life dinner lat night. I didn't have a crazy dinner, but it wasn't a protein day dinner. I feel okay with that. Moving on. Not freaking out or giving up.

I spent considerable time rearranging and organizing and generally mucking out Ella's room this morning. It looked nice for about 15 minutes.

I am reading Pillars of the Earth. I am so glad I live in a world with plumbing and running water.

day 69

2008-01-25T16:32:00.000-08:00

Lost starts next week! Soooo excited.

I am super hungry and would really like to go on a rampage in the kitchen. I am going to make tea instead.

Rough day with the kids-lots of crying (them, not me). Ella was a misery in gymnastics and didn't get a sticker. Oy vey, you'd think she was missing a body part. The sad thing was that she thought she didn't get it because she couldn't do the tricks they were learning. I had to explain that, no, you didn't get it because you were a danger to yourself and others. Sheesh.

They are in my bed pretending to be asleep. I don't think it will be pretend for long.

And I've come to realize that a lot of my desire to eat (and eat crappy food in particular) comes from being just so bored so much of the time. Sure there are a million things to do, but cleaning the bathroom or folding endless piles of laundry just doesn't thrill me. I'm just sayin.

70 days

2008-01-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

So, today is day 1 of my 10 weeks of lean for life. I've decided to do it as a countdown, so this is actually day 70 for me. When I find myself gazing longingly at Ella's half-eaten plate of pancakes, I tell myself,"70 days." And tomorrow at work when I am confronted with a too-smushed-to-sell- but-perfectly-good-to-eat blueberry muffin, I can say, "69 days" and give myself the impression that it is getting easier. Hopefully that will eventually be the case without my little counting shenanigans. Peace be with us.

Enough

2008-01-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

Okay. My weight is out of control. I now weigh more than I did when I was pregnant. I am committing to one cycle of lean for life-10 weeks. It is the only thing in recent history that I have had any success with and I need to make a change. My body hurts and my mind hurts from constantly fretting. 10 weeks.

I blame Bean

2008-01-22T17:53:00.000-08:00

Just this morning I was reading Bean's (from KROQ) blog and he was commenting on the large number of famous people who have died since the new year. And now Heath Ledger is dead. I don't know why that makes me so sad. I guess because he was only 28 and he has a little daughter. And also because it may have just been a stupid accident, and we have all had those moments when we were stupid and had a close call. Poor Heath.

Hug your family.

around the world with Ella

2008-01-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

Ella has always called her vagina either her "body" or her "area." She has resisted any contrary information with wails of protest. Last night she was in the bath and asked what other names for her area could be. I said (for the 100th time), "Well, it's actually called your vagina." "Vagina?"

"Vagina."

She mulled this over for a moment before solemnly asking, "What do I call it if I'm not in China?"

the in-laws cometh

2008-01-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

Why? Why because people decide to divorce and re-marry are we all now obliged to have several editions of every holiday with ever-changing groups of people we neither know nor like? I have tried saying no, we're just gonna stay home and do something quiet. The fallout from that is unbearable. So now holidays are the opposite of what they are supposed to be. They are the dark days. I guess it gives a greater appreciation for the regular, non-holidays. But it's the middle of January and we still have 2 Christmases to go. Ugh.

And how f-ed is it to say,"Oh, please don't get us anything! Honestly, there isn't a single thing we want or need! We aren't even getting presents for each other!" and then show up with two BOXES of gifts? Seriously.

Happy Birthday, Gaea

2008-01-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like you are actually my sister. I think that when we met a long, LONG time ago, it was so we would have each other now. So we would save a place for each other and recognize each other when we needed to connect. Sort of like we knew each other in a past life, but in our case it was just high school. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you are my sister.